


Identity

by alecmagnuslwb



Series: Shadowhunters Post Canon Stories [7]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Family Feels, Gen, M/M, Max Lightwood's journey to self acceptance and maybe just maybe starting to fall in love, Other, Self-Acceptance, alec and magnus being the absolute best, other mentions of the lightwood-bane-garroway fam, their daughter also makes an appearance!, you know what's hard? making up shadowhunters last names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 15:55:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20530634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alecmagnuslwb/pseuds/alecmagnuslwb
Summary: Max Lightwood's journey to self acceptance and figuring out his identity along with the help of his big brother and the inspiration his relationship with Magnus provides.





	Identity

**Author's Note:**

> So, in [The Seasons Change](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20083339), I implied Max was queer and dating someone who’s non-binary and this delves into all of that a lot more.

Max doesn’t care that his brother’s gay. If Alec’s happy with the fancy warlock man that’s fine, he’s just bummed he missed out on all the drama that came from Alec kissing said fancy warlock man at his would be sham of a wedding.

Frankly, aside from a few misguided statements about warlocks that his mother rights his thinking on eventually, he doesn’t think about Alec and Magnus’ relationship all that much until their wedding. It’s the first time since his rune party that he’s really seen them together and it’s the first time since he started worrying less about what other people think of him and his family as well.

He watches his brother look happier than he can ever recall seeing him, watches Magnus look at his big brother like he hung every star in the sky personally and he can’t begin to fathom why any of the people he’s heard whisper about ‘that Lightwood boy and that warlock’ would ever dare think something this good could be wrong.

Magnus is a part of his family now and Alec is still the big brother he’s always looked up to, nothing can change that. And so, when he hears the whispers after that day he starts speaking up, shooting down anyone who talks shit about his family.

Max is 15 the first time he realizes he might not be straight. He’s training with a transfer from the Paris Institute when the realization hits him. He doesn’t even remember the name of the boy who’s only a year older than him, partly because the boy has the personality of an old cucumber, but mostly because he’d taken off his shirt before he’d even introduced himself and Max hasn’t quite been able to tear his eyes away.

He’s so distracted he loses three rounds of hand to hand before calling it and making up an excuse to leave. He shakes his reaction to the other boy, tries not to overthink it. He’s never really had the time to worry about things like girls or boys, Shadowhunters may fall in love young generally, but he’s the youngest in a line of incredibly well known and successful Lightwood siblings he can’t have distractions like romance.

But for weeks after his eyes always seem to find the other boy in the cafeteria or in the ops center and linger and he starts to think maybe just maybe it wasn’t a one-time occurrence.

He’s 16 when he gets his first girlfriend. Her name is Trina Whitelaw and his father is ecstatic because despite his mellowing out in recent years he’s still got a bit of head about the power of names. And the Whitelaw name has old Shadowhunter power.

She’s pretty and funny and Max likes kissing her and holding her hand, but they don’t last long, much to his father’s dismay, because Trina accuses him of flirting with Damian Highfall. He wasn’t, but the lack of trust isn’t why he dumps her it’s the way she accuses him with such disgust, like if he had been flirting with a boy it’d be a crime.

He may not know exactly what he feels and all of who he’s attracted to just yet, but it doesn’t change the fact that if she can speak with disgust like that he doesn’t want to know what she might think once he does figure it out or what she’s said behind his back about his brother and brother-in-law. Probably a few things that would leave him seething and get him sent to the Gard.

He dates here and there after that, a few girls and eventually yes, in a twist of irony even Damian Highfall for a while.

He doesn’t tell anyone though, not even Alec or Magnus who he knows he’d feel most comfortable telling. Because the truth is after it all he still doesn’t know what to label himself, doesn’t know if he needs a label. He’s done the research, seen all the terms and identities and none of them seem to fit just right for him right at this moment.

He’s 19 when he finally, quietly in the mirror settles on calling himself queer. He likes girls, he likes boys, he just likes the people he likes, gender being whatever it may be. He knows one day that might change, he might decide a different label fits more accurately, be it bi or pan or anything in between, sexuality can be fluid after all, but right now it’s the label he feels comfortable with. It’s the label he feels safe to say to himself in the mirror at one a.m. with a smile on his lips.

Telling other people still terrifies him though. He almost tells his mom when he visits her at her shop one day, the words just on the tip of his tongue. Almost tells her all about Damian, who he’s found himself back with, but something stops him in his tracks.

He knows she’ll accept him. Knows that he’s safe with his family, but that doesn’t change the fact that no matter how accepting people are, telling the world exactly who you are is scary.

A few weeks later when he and Damian break up again, he convinces himself there’s no reason to tell anyone if he’s single anyways.

And single is how he stays for a long time. He’s nearing 23 when his father brings up the fact Max hasn’t dated a girl in years, gives him a whole speech about finding someone that Max mostly brushes off. He’s happy as he is, he’s still not out which is increasingly becoming something he wishes he was if for no other reason just to stop hearing his dad strictly talk about all the pretty girls he could date, but he’s happy.

He’s got a nice job in the Los Angeles Institute and liaisons frequently with the researchers and weapons developers in Alicante, which gives him the chance to visit Alec, Magnus and his niece frequently. He’s got friends in Los Angeles and New York and his mom can come see him whenever she likes because no one tells the mother of the Inquisitor where she can or can’t go even if she’s a mundane.

He’s happy, he doesn’t need a partner to be happy, he’s got a ten-year plan that heavily focuses on his career and being the coolest uncle he can possibly be to his niece and any other future children his siblings may have. Romantic love will just get in the way of that.

So of course, literal days after telling his father all of this he meets Ash Everstar and they blow his entire speech about being fine single to smithereens.

Ash transfers in from their home city Institute in Sao Paulo and Max is instantly smitten. They have deep green eyes that shine like emeralds in the sun and stark white streaks mixed into their curly black hair. Max has never seen someone so beautiful.

He plays it cool around them. Seems to just be a friendly new face welcoming them to a new Institute until one day their jackass of a head of security misgenders Ash for at least the second time he’s heard and Max goes off in a way that can’t be justified as just doing what any good person would do.

Especially when for some reason his brain to mouth filter totally betrays him and doesn’t stop him from saying the word beautiful out loud in reference to Ash in his epic tirade.

Ash doesn’t seem to mind though, they just thank him and brush a hand down his arm to squeeze at his hand for a moment before walking away. Max can’t get the blush to leave his cheeks for at least an hour after the innocent touch.

They become friends of a sort after that, but soon enough Max knows he can’t just be friends much longer. Ash isn’t just gorgeous, they’re honest and open and funny and smart as hell as well and Max wants like he’s never wanted before. He wants to date Ash, he wants to be with Ash, and he wants to do it out in the open the way he had with Trina damn Whitelaw all those years ago, not hide in the shadows out of fear of what someone might say.

He’s ready to come out and as fate would have it, he’s called to Alicante for a consult the morning after he makes his decision.

After the consult is done, he heads across the city to drop in on his brother hoping to catch him at home because despite it being midday on a Saturday, he knows his brother can be a bit of workaholic. He raises his hand to knock once he reaches the hall outside the loft and before he can even make contact the door swings open a swirl of blue magic curling around it.

Max smiles as he steps inside and is then instantly nearly knocked off his feet by the high-powered velocity of a three and half year-old tiny warlock barreling into his legs.

He crouches down to be at eye level with the little girl who unclasps her arms from around his legs and tosses herself directly into his chest for a hug.

“Hey, Summer,” he says softly lifting her up in his arms as he stands back to full height.

“Hi, Maxxy,” she replies a little sleepily, almost as if the run towards the door tired her out. It’s adorable and like she always does Summer makes Max love his niece impossibly more than he already does every time he sees her.

“Someone’s at the door doesn’t mean run directly to it and away from nap time, young lady,” Magnus says as he turns into the entryway wearing dark jeans and a silky shirt that looks like it costs a year’s worth of Max’s salary, hair and makeup as perfect as ever. It’s the most dressed down he’s ever seen him, and he still looks ready for a runway. 

“But, papa, Maxxy,” she whines, her arms gripping a little tighter around Max’s neck. Max makes an apologetic face that Magnus immediately waves off with a toss of his hand in the air.

“Maxxy will still be here when you wake up, he’s staying for dinner,” Magnus says with no room for argument. Not that Max would ever argue. Summer moves her head back from where she’d been comfortably resting against his neck to look him in the eyes.

Max smiles softly.

“Promise,” he says, and she seems appeased by that loosening her grip and turning in his arms making grabby hands at her papa. Max passes her off and as Magnus settles her on his hip with one arm he reaches out his free hand and ruffles Max’s hair with a smile.

It’s such a brotherly action that of course Max has to bat his hand away and roll his eyes fondly.

“Pretty boy, your brother’s here,” Magnus shouts as he turns away from Max. Max snorts at the nickname as he moves further into the loft glad to hear Magnus still occasionally pulls out the first pet name he ever flustered his brother with.

“Which one?” Alec shouts back. “Because honestly if it’s Jace, I’m not home.”

Max laughs at Alec’s response. He knows that ever since Jace found out Clary was pregnant, he’s been in a non-stop panic mode, constantly calling and more annoyingly portaling into their living room just to ask simple questions about how to prepare for a baby that he could easily look up online. He’s been driving Alec crazy and Clary’s not even three months in yet. To say it’ll be a long nine months is an understatement.

Alec steps out of the bedroom and into view as Magnus moves to Summer’s room. Unlike Magnus’ casual look that still screams fashion icon, Alec has day old scruff, a pair of jeans Max is fairly certain he’s owned since he was a teenager and a hoodie that says ‘too gay for this’ in rainbow shaded lettering. Usually he’d make fun of his big brother for the look, but he can’t find it in him, especially not with his reason for being here, because comfortable domesticity and easy confidence look good on him.

“Stop shouting our daughter is trying to nap,” Magnus says as he stops in front of him even though considering Summer’s lack of babbling in the past minute Max is fairly certain the shouting hasn’t even phased her.

“Sorry,” Alec replies quietly leaning down to kiss the top of Summer’s head and then Magnus’ temple. “But you shouted first.”

Max can’t see it, but he knows Magnus rolls his eyes.

“The worst,” he grumbles fondly continuing down the hall and out of view. Alec watches him go, this ridiculously fond smile on his face until eventually there’s the sound of a door and he turns his attention to Max.

“Hey, buddy,” he says as he nears him pulling him in for a tight hug that Max gladly returns his chin resting on Alec’s shoulder, it’s still weird to Max sometimes that he can reach that high with Alec now; still feels like a little kid in presence of his big brother. He pulls back from the hug and Alec reaches out ruffling his hair much in the way Magnus just had.

“What brings you by?” he asks as Max bats his hand away.

“Just a consult, nothing major,” Max starts as Alec gestures towards the couch. “I also wanted to talk to you.” He says it a little more seriously than he intended as he settles on couch. Alec’s happy smile morphs into a look of concern as he settles in front of Max, sitting on the coffee table.

“It’s nothing bad, I promise,” Max adds on quickly hoping to ease his brother back into that happy smile he had a moment before. It works, Alec letting out a slow breath of relief.

“Good, so what’s up?”

Max takes a deep breath thinking about how to say it. He’d considered rehearsing this, a grand speech or something of the sort, but nothing seemed to make sense when he tried. His brother may have had the most dramatic coming out of all time, but Max is a little more subtle than that, so he just starts talking.

“So, there’s someone I really like,” he starts off with a smile just thinking about Ash.

Alec smiles back, “That’s great, Max.”

Alec may not push it, but Max knows he’s a romantic fucker that hit the jackpot on his first try with Magnus, finding his soulmate that he’ll spend quite literally eternity with, and has been secretly rooting for each of his siblings to find their happily ever after person as well. Max is the only one who hasn’t just yet or may have and just can’t be sure so soon.

“Yeah, it is,” he nods soldiering on to the bigger part. “They’re pretty new at the Institute and their names Ash and they’re non-binary and I really like them a lot and maybe soon enough I’ll work up the courage to tell them that.”

Alec’s still smiling, not saying a word clearly giving Max the room to get out whatever he needs to get out.

He takes another deep breath before he continues, “So, yeah there’s that. And I know you know I’ve dated girls, which were very real relationships, but I also used to date Damian Highfall.”

Alec raises an eyebrow at that, he’s the Inquisitor there’s no doubt he’s heard all about Damian’s more infamous escapades since he moved out to the Buenos Aires Institute.

Max snorts and raises a hand to rub at the back of his neck, a nervous gesture he picked up from Alec years ago, “Yeah, I know. It was kind of a mess, we broke up like four times, but we had fun while it lasted.” He takes another breath before continuing on. “But, anyways so, I’m queer.” And just like that it’s out there. Not said in the mirror to himself or implied by the fact that he responded to Damian’s flirting. He takes another breath, but this time it’s not filled with nerves, it feels freeing.

“And that’s the label I’ve been going with for a while now, it might change one day, but it might not. And I’ve known for so long, I just couldn’t say it, which I know seems weird since it’s not like you or Magnus or anyone in our family would judge me, but I just couldn’t seem to say it out loud.”

“Hey,” Alec says leaning forward and taking Max’s hands into his. “There’s no timeline for this, trust me I know. And you don’t have to justify why you waited or why you couldn’t say it out loud to anyone, sure as hell not to me.”

Max smiles at that squeezing at his brother’s hands before letting go and moving forward to pull him into a hug. Alec hugs him back tighter than he ever has before and it’s grounding.

“Am I the first person you’ve told?” Alec asks still holding on despite the fact this is in no way a comfortable way to hug. Max just nods from where his head rests on Alec’s shoulder afraid to speak just yet in case he gets choked up.

“Do you want anyone else to know?”

Max pulls back from the hug wiping at his eyes under his glasses just in case any rogue tears may have escaped without his permission. Alec’s hand stays firm on his shoulder.

“I do, I’m ready, I just wanted you to be the first person to know,” he says. Alec looks at him with a whole lot of pride and a swell of other emotions then stands pulling Max up along with him and back into another bone crushing hug.

He’s not sure how long they stand there, but he is sure a few tears slip out this time and he’s fairly certain judging from the way Alec sniffs lightly he’s crying too. They’re happy tears though, so it’s okay. Eventually Magnus enters the living room, a shuffle of feet coming to a halt.

“Everything okay?” he asks, clearly not having heard a word of their conversation. Somehow likely knowing that Max needed a moment with his brother and granting them that.

“Yeah,” Max says with a chuckle that he’s proud doesn’t sound too wet. “Yeah, everything’s great.”

And he means it. He stays for dinner, as promised and casually has his second coming out across the dinner table to Magnus with Summer sitting in his lap happily shoving gigantic forkfuls of pasta into her mouth uncaring of what the adults have to say.

And later that night after another bone-crushing hug from Alec and one from Magnus as well he heads through a portal and walks directly to Ash’s room.

“Do you want to go get dinner with me tomorrow night?” he says as soon as Ash pulls open the door. Ash rubs at their eyes sleepily likely having just woken up after a long shift, Max feels a little bad about waking them, but he’s on such a roll right now that he can’t be stopped.

It seems to take a moment for the words to register with Ash, but when they do they sleepily smile at him.

“Like as in a date?” Ash asks.

“Definitely as in a date,” Max replies confidently. “Out in the open and everything.”

“And you’re sure?” Ash asks. Clearly having known about Max but giving him the space and time, not wanting to push. It just makes Max’s affection for the person in front of him grow even stronger.

“Very sure,” he says with a smile, probably looking a little insane with how happy and free he feels right now. Ash doesn’t seem to mind though, just smiles back equally as wide and definitely more awake now with an enthusiastic acceptance to the date.

And maybe tomorrow he’ll have breakfast with his dad, or call Isabelle or drop in on his mom and Luke to tell them as well, but tonight he’s going to hold hands with the person that he likes side by side on the floor of their room knees brushing every so often as they plan their first date.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing Max is a little tricky considering we saw him as a child on the show and he’d obviously change and grow as he aged, but hopefully I did the kid justice. 
> 
> As always, find me on tumblr: [alecmagnuslwb](https://alecmagnuslwb.tumblr.com/)


End file.
